Saturday, January 23, 2010


seriously. the shit storm didn't end. fuck my life. my husband decided our marriage is over. I can't bring myself to be mad at him. I keep thinking that if I were mad it would be easier to let him go. But, we have 3 kids, so for them, I'm glad I'm not mad at him. Since I've been practically a Stay at home mom for the last 10 years, he's agreed to stick around and support me fully until I can get a job, some savings built, and get on my feet. I'm extremely grateful for that, But, I'm scared. no, scratch that, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being single. I've been with my husband since I was 16 years old. I don't know how to be single. I don't want to be single. I'm terrified of being a single mom. I'm freaking out over having to enter the work force completely unqualified, and worrying about making enough money to support my kids. I know I'll get spousal support and child support from DH, but I don't want to have to live on that alone. How will I find a job I can do in the hours while my kids are in school that will earn me enough money to give my children a good life? Worrying about all this has been keeping me up at night. Worrying about this has made me loose my appetite. I've been forcing myself to eat, but I've still dropped 10 lbs (the weight loss was triggered by my oral surgery, but furthered by heartbreak depression). Who knew that with the stereotype of heartbreak = ice cream, pizza, and cookies, that the reverse would be true for me. Oh well, I'm happy to see the weight go. I've got too much to begin with, and family has always told me, that when your heart is broken, the best revenge is looking good.

DH is right about one thing though. I have a lot of love to give and I deserve someone who will love me back.